self study

from time to time i'll take a self portrait of myself. I like observing myself and gauging how much I like myself in that photo in that moment.

What do I really look like? How do people perceive me? Can I figure this out simply by looking at myself. I'm curious.

Away from my family and friends, I don't have that intimate feedback loop coming back towards me. Maybe this is a good thing, but I still like knowing. or at least guessing.

The other day i asked a new friend if he thought I was brash. He mentioned that he thought I was direct and that some people could perceive that as brash, but he liked it. I guess it's all about which side of the fine line I land on.

And too - so what if I am brash? Perhaps a little brashness is necessary in this day in age - particularly my specific brand of it.

Does my bed head rock the house or should I brush my hair and work another angle?

Does my inner being match the face I feel should be on the outside? Am I presenting the best me i can be? After all, judgement can keep doors closed.

I would like to be in a place where people are naturally open and attracted to me and my way of being.

It's an exercise of self love, because sometimes I can be so hard myself. A picture that I don't like in a moment might be perfectly fine a few days later. Or vice versa.

Often I'm surprised. I might feel like shit and take a picture and wow myself. Or I might feel top of the world, take a picture and realized I look remarkably like I do when I haven't slept for a couple of days.

And often there are no surprises. I look exactly as I thought I might.

And then I move on to something else.